1 YEAR | Blogged

One.whole.stinkin.year. Man, how time flies. This time last year Chris and I were sitting in Olive Garden after dropping the two big kids off at my moms and having our last dinner out as parents of 2. I don't think I slept a wink that night. My C-section was scheduled for 8am and I was up and in the shower by 5. I couldn't wait to meet my little man. By 9:30 he was in my arms and once again....I was falling in love. Amazing how that works, huh? I'm not sure how anyone can go through the miracle of birth and not believe in God. It is truly a miracle. And I have to say....Joshie was my own personal miracle. The 9 months that I was pregnant with Joshua were without a doubt the hardest of my entire life. The physical toll that it took on my body was rough but it was my mental state of mind that nearly crushed me. Not many people other than a few close friends and family knew what I was going through but let's just leave it at..it wasn't pretty. And then 7 months into my pregnancy...when I was at an all time low mentally, Dave died. My.world.crashed. Although, no one other than those few friends and family would have ever known it. I'm not sure anyone can ever understand what I went through in those last few months of my pregnancy. I was pissed off at the world, at God, at myself. I worried every.single.day about the effect that my emotions/depression would have on the baby. The one and only thing that kept me from going straight off the deep end during that horrible time were my children. Most days, I didn't even want to get out of bed. It would've been so much easier to just lay in bed and cry...but as a momma, I didn't have that option. But then, something changed. I can't put my finger on when and I'm not even sure I can explain it now...Just a feeling that I got from this little unborn baby. He wasn't even born...but yet, he gave me...peace. I honestly felt soothed by him. Sounds weird, I know..but that's the only way to explain it. To this day....I can be standing in a room full of chaos and all I have to do is pick up Joshie, snuggle him close to me and it all just fades away. He is the only person in this entire world that has that effect on me. I think God knew that I needed peace in my life more than anything else in the world. Peace and hope...and Joshie gives me both. He loves to snuggle, thinks his big brother is hilarious, looks just like his mommy, and *may* have his mommy's temper, loves pasta, ice cream and LOVES to dance to Miley Cyrus and the Spongebob theme song. He.is.perfect.